BASS KICK BALL

I am entering an NCAA pool. I have not watched a college basketball game since college. But, I will win based on this simple collection of tips I've compiled over the years of not watching basketball:

Never bet on any Louisiana team because they pronounce it 'Losey-anna' .

Never bet on the Boise Bracketsmashers because, more often than not, the bracket smashes them.

Always bet on the Transylvania Casketballers, even though they're typically disqualified in the first round (from biting, casketing the ball).

When in doubt, abide by the formula [A-X*Y(X/Y)] where A=basketball, Y=basketball, and X= raging college penis.

Find the player with the best signature move. Frankie "Best Signature Move" Robinson of Texas T&A University is usually the one. Then, don't bet on his team.

Find the player with Universititis. He has a mysterious dorm-related rash, so bet on his team.

Does any player wear excessive arm and leg bands? Yes=sure bet. No=dripping sweat.

For good luck, keep a cue tip in your ear throughout the tournament. Little known fact: if your team wins, it will be sucked in and pop out the other ear. If your team loses anyway, it will just blacken and fall out--no harm done.

Most people pull their hair during tense plays. They will lose. Get a leg up by yanking at your pubes instead, tense play or not. You may lose, but at least you won't look like an idiot pulling your hair.
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Musings III

Musings: what happen when I go on mental leave from science to prep for the baby.

Balvenie 15 year scotch: see above.

Ice Dancing: just an excuse to wear more fabric

Boxer shorts: see above.

Underrated: briefs, briefs, briefs. And legal briefs. And neck fat that flaps in the wind.

Overrated: Office 2007, gourmet Mac N Cheese, stink in my fireplace fire, marbles.

Countries represented in my lab: US, Lebanon, Spain, Germany, Japan, Israel, France, Switzerland, China, Canada

Countries represented in lab at 9:00am: US, china.

Tom’s Hot Gush: should be a signature mixed drink.

Modern rock: eh.

Postmodern rock: Lasse’s balls flapping against the bathroom tile.

I’m not sure who first used the word “nod” in Oscar conversation, but it has gotten way out of control.

Bukkake: what any good Powerpoint presentation ends with.

Seaside Bukkake Experience Suite: under consideration at Carnival Cruiselines
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Your Porno Names and Catch Phrases

Joe Mahon the Grow Man
"blow the grow"

Tommy-Buns Ainslie
"shoot em up"

Camaro Toe
"fast, but not easy"

Double Dee
"Double Dee's Double Ds: That's A Mouthful"

Liz Fill
"You, fill er up. Now you, top it off"

Iceberg Feld
"You can only handle the tip of it"

Reuter Screwedher
"and him"

Shaggie Reuts
"no razors"

Slot Seymour
"Put your coinpurse in my slot and then farts come out of my slot and you smell them while I'm jerking off"
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Musings II

Brace yourself...for a Meatwave.

Ombudsman believes the MIT loose cannon won't be a problem, I’m told. How, why: Dunno.

Polanski: if only he didn’t make such awesome movies.

Pol Potski: if only I weren't spoken for...

Last night Sean laid down on his belly like he was ready for a massage, and then said "Tickle me."

The Magnetic Fields: a good show

My jock: ready for whatever life throws it

Rat poo: smelly

Rat poo: all over
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Musings

Baby: eminent. Name, face: TBD. Belly: bursting.

My body, in excitement: undulating.

Sean’s nightmare last night: there was a dragon and a pig in his bed, and the dragon was petting him.

Good band name and hit single: Smooth Sailing, by Obstacle Illusion

I watch about as little Denver basketball as is possible, but am completely fed up with this Birdman idiot.

woa, yes, woa, yes, woa woa, yes yes YES: as heard during Olympic curling, or while
I made pudding tonight?

Valentine’s gift from your kid: pretty awesome.

True story from the halls of MIT neuroscience: Totally randomly I was shoved into a revolving door. Then come to find it is a grad student, and that there have been similar incidents, including violently kicking a door, other shovings, etc. Figure he is about to pop. It’s been taken to the MIT officials. Time will tell.

Beefy Russian hockey star: Sergei Groundchuck

Are highly intermittent bursts of fast jogging good for my body?

Prior locations for a conference I get to attend this summer for the first time: New Zealand, Scotland castle. This summer’s location: Jersey Shore.

In hotel hot tub yesterday, 5-ish year old hops in, yaps at me in usual 5-ish year old way. Then sits in front of jet and says “Ohhhhhh baby, that’s the stuff.” Then, “This hottub is hot! But not as hot as womens. There’s some there. You should talk to them. They like that”.

Fart: toilet appetizer.

Skid marks: doggy bag.
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Hey, that's not the answer.

I posted this on Miko's facebook, and then immediately realized it probably wasn't appropriate. Any way, this is what you get when you google, "she already served me."


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Chicken police

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