BASS KICK BALL

I am entering an NCAA pool. I have not watched a college basketball game since college. But, I will win based on this simple collection of tips I've compiled over the years of not watching basketball:

Never bet on any Louisiana team because they pronounce it 'Losey-anna' .

Never bet on the Boise Bracketsmashers because, more often than not, the bracket smashes them.

Always bet on the Transylvania Casketballers, even though they're typically disqualified in the first round (from biting, casketing the ball).

When in doubt, abide by the formula [A-X*Y(X/Y)] where A=basketball, Y=basketball, and X= raging college penis.

Find the player with the best signature move. Frankie "Best Signature Move" Robinson of Texas T&A University is usually the one. Then, don't bet on his team.

Find the player with Universititis. He has a mysterious dorm-related rash, so bet on his team.

Does any player wear excessive arm and leg bands? Yes=sure bet. No=dripping sweat.

For good luck, keep a cue tip in your ear throughout the tournament. Little known fact: if your team wins, it will be sucked in and pop out the other ear. If your team loses anyway, it will just blacken and fall out--no harm done.

Most people pull their hair during tense plays. They will lose. Get a leg up by yanking at your pubes instead, tense play or not. You may lose, but at least you won't look like an idiot pulling your hair.